The "How-To" Post

Good evening, blogger world! I hope that, like myself, you've all had a wonderful week. I had three days off this week, no nanny duties necessary. And yet, I still couldn't help imagining what Miss Cadance was eating (or throwing on the floor) for lunch. The never-ending "la la la la's" of Elmo's Song played on repeat in my head. I could have sworn that I heard Camden doing his whine/cry that means "hey, I'm not really upset! I just want to be picked up right now and I know I have you wrapped around my little finger!" (I guess it was in my head. Scary.) I suppose, come three months from now, I might possibly be graduated to full-on hallucinations of my kiddos on my off days. I guess that's the price nannies pay. Anyways, without further ado, I give you: The How-To Post. Enjoy.

*How to Freak-Out a 21 month old little girl

It starts with a cockroach. It ends with a cookie.
When I sent little Cadance into her playroom to wait for lunch, she promptly came back out saying, "Gross, BUNTEE!" (yes, she pronounces Brittany as "Buntee." I think it kind of fits.) I have learned, in these 6 weeks, what two things Cadance reserves for the adjective "gross": little pieces of dried, rotting food she finds in the corners of the kitchen and/or stuck to the carpet, or bugs. I prayed for food...but I got a cockroach. This giant bug was lying in the corner right up by the wall. It looked fat. And dead.
"You think its dead?" I asked Cadance.
"Yesh."
I grabbed a little piece of toilet paper to pick it up. First, I blew on it a little just to be certain. That thing did not stir. I thought I was in the clear, until...
IT MOVED! The nasty beast JUMPED up from that toilet paper, scuttling towards my hand and moving its disgusting antenna-things.
How to Freak-Out a 21 month old little girl: Scream extremely loudly and jump around like an idiot, letting the cockroach escape and scuttle down the wall. Chase after it maniacally, shrieking every few seconds until you finally squish it so hard that the guts come shooting out the back. (Disgusting, I know.)
A cookie might be necessary to calm the poor girl down.
Maybe two.

* For the Kiddos: How To Freak-Out the Nanny

It starts with a sneeze. It ends with a near-heart attack.
One day Cadance had a little bit of a runny nose. It seemed normal enough to me. We had a lovely morning of Elmo dance parties, alphabet learning, and a healthy dosage of "No M'ams!!" from Cadance. As we sat down to Cadance's lunch of sliced turkey (which she refuses to eat on a sandwich), mandarin oranges, and a few left-over, "gross" pieces of corn she managed to extract from somewhere in the bowels of that carpet and consume before I could even work out what happened, suddenly she started sneezing. And I don't mean teeny-tiny little girl sneezes. No, these were massive, drawn-out SNEEZES. And they didn't stop. As sneeze after sneeze came rolling out, I began to notice something. Disgusting black goop was beginning to make its way out of Cadance's left nostril. Um...I might not be a pediatrician, but I know that is NOT right.
She kept sneezing. It kept coming. Cue the beginning of Brittany's panic attack. Just as I was frantically wondering whether to call her parents, the doctor or even 911, the massive thing flew into the tissue and she was fine! She giggled and trotted off to dig my sunglasses out of my bag and try, unsuccessfully, to put them on her face.
Cue Brittany's confusion. After a good hour free of any nose-runnage whatsoever, I decided it was safe for her to take a nap.
4 HOUR NAP. Yes, my friends, I am serious. That girl can do some hardcore sleeping.
All was well with the world until around 4:30, when she woke up and made me dance to the Elmo song for the hundredth time. Half-way through a spin, it started again.
The sneezes.
The black stuff.
Brittany's near heart attack.
How to Freak Out your Nanny:
Stick some black fuzzy stuff from the carpet FAR up your nose in the morning right before your nanny arrives. Spend the whole day sneezing it out, convincing your nanny that you have some sort of horrible disease.
Your mother, after examining the tissue, will have to promise your nanny that "Oh, everything is fine! She's done this twice before."
A cookie might be necessary when the nanny returns home.
Heck, maybe half a bag.

* How to Convince an almost 2 year old to take a nap when she REALLY is not having it:
1. Your mommy will be so proud!
2. You get to wake up and watch Elmo some more!
3. You can have more juice when you wake up!
4. If you sleep, your mommy will be here when you wake up!
5. You can play with Braden (little 17 month boy who lives behind them) when you wake up!
6. If you don't sleep, you will feel SO tired.
7. You can have a cookie when you wake up.

How they work:
1. Never.
2. Occasionally.
3. Never.
4. Might just result in chanting of "Mommy comin, Mommy comin."
5. Pretty successful, but only if the play-date will actually happen. Otherwise you are lying. Which is sad.
6. Fat chance.
7. ALWAYS. But use sparingly.

Well, there you have it. I'm off to dream-land to prepare for another day in the life of a nanny. Tomorrow we get left-over Chicken Fettuccine for lunch. Oh yes.
Until the next entry in the Non-Fiction Nanny Diaries, I bid you all adieu.
Stay tuned.